Local Jackass

I’m shocked there aren’t more people just going to walmart, setting up some picnic chairs, cracking a beer and watching the White Trash Olympics.

You’re a young kid. You start walking at 9 months old, way ahead of other infants, and you’re oddly really stable on your feet. The next week your parents decide it’d be fun to put some skates on you and see if you can stand on ice. You shock everyone and you can even slide along the ice without falling. Absolutely incredible.

By the time you’re 5, you’re dominating the hockey league. You can skate like nobody else. Faster, longer, pure speed. But, as you get older, you simply don’t grow beyond 5’9. You’re an absolute superstar, but you just don’t have the size. But godddamm can you skate.

So, you take up speed skating. You take to it like Donald Trump to a new grift. You train in special programs, and by the time you’re 16, it’s clear you’re going somewhere with this. Like, world class good. Your training goes into overdrive. You live at the rink, training, every single fucking day after school and for hours on weekends. You’ve absolutely mastered the sport.

Now you’re at the Olympics. You dominate through the preliminaries. You’re a gold medal favourite. And, that’s when the Gold medal race begins. You whip out to an incredible start, but there’s this one other competitor who’s keeping stride with you. The two of you are miles ahead of the pack and setting records on each lap. Pure dominance.

It’s the final stretch, and the two of you go all out in the last 400m. It’s neck and neck. One out in front, then the other, with barely even inches between the two of you. That’s when disaster hits. You get that VERY familiar feeling of “OH GOD, I need to take a shit RIGHT NOW”. You lose by 0.01 seconds. ONE ONE-HUNDRETH OF A SECOND. Why? Because for just a split second you thought about your colon over what was happening and lost that 1 inch lead you had.

Here’s the kicker. That was an all-time world record that was set. You’re literally the second best person in the whole fucking history of the entire damn world, and you’re literally 1/100th of a second away from being the absolutely best ever.

Imagine that. That’s gotta suck SO bad.

That’s why I always take a good poop before I do anything important. You never know when you’ll be in a gold medal speed skating race.

So, Tiger Woods got fucking drunk as shit, drove his car, flipped it, then called Donald Trump directly to ask him to get him out of the jam.

Not that he wasn’t already, but throw this man right into the fucking sun because he’s a certified piece of human trash.

Thomas Balgartner made jungle… woah.

Rich Old White Guy In A Suit : Hey you, get some wheels on this cross because it’s a bit heavy.

Producer : “Uhh.. OK Jim, roll on 3. The pyro is ready”

Head Grifter (Pastor) : “If you BELIEVE, if you’re a REAL god fearing Christian, you will pay tidings! We suggest the minimum offer at 10% of your household income”

One Billion dollars a day to fight this war with Iran. Gas prices soaring. People being sent to die for absolutely no reason.

But hey, trans-athletes are banned, so I guess that’s considered a win for these fucking smooth brained pedophiles.

Musk : Hey guiez, can I join your pedophile party?
Epstein : Uhhh… I think I left the stove on, I gotta let you go bro.