Local Jackass

Oracle. You may know them. Larry Ellison, the CEO and long time Trump supporter and mega-donor, just laid off 30,000 employees last week. They cited changes in the industry causing them to do this.

Today, they hired a new CFO. Want to guess what their compensation is?

$29,700,000. Yes, $29.7 Million dollars.

Her name is Hilary Maxson. Previously she was the CFO at Schneider Electric where her compensation package was $2.5 Million in 2020, growing each year just a little bit from the previous year until she reached 2025 where she was compensated $2.8 Million.

Prior to this, she was a SVP for Schneider Electric, pulling in about $800,000 annually.

Larry Ellison just paid her over 10x what she was previously making.

Let’s get one thing clear. Oracle (who’s insanely invested in AI, and buying up all the components, which is creating a worldwide emergency shortage of chips, hard drives, memory, and processors) is causing basically everything from baby food to your Netflix subscription to go up in price. They shit-canned 30,000 people, so they can give this worthless sack of fucking skin nearly $30,000,000 a year.

Tell me, Larry. What can this bitch bring to the table that values her at $30,000,000 a year, more than 10x what she was making just a couple days ago?

Fuck it. Add Hilary Maxson to the list of people who should be fucking shot out of a cannon directly into the sun. Don’t worry. I’m not just ragging on her because she’s a woman. That cannon is loaded with a completely disproportionate amount of men over women, and Larry Ellison is near the top of that list.

Welcome to capitalism, baby.

Aren’t you glad Kamala Harris isn’t President. Just think how much worse she would have been as an unstable woman who could get her period. Plus, that weird laugh. Totally unsuitable for President. /s

I’m shocked there aren’t more people just going to walmart, setting up some picnic chairs, cracking a beer and watching the White Trash Olympics.

You’re a young kid. You start walking at 9 months old, way ahead of other infants, and you’re oddly really stable on your feet. The next week your parents decide it’d be fun to put some skates on you and see if you can stand on ice. You shock everyone and you can even slide along the ice without falling. Absolutely incredible.

By the time you’re 5, you’re dominating the hockey league. You can skate like nobody else. Faster, longer, pure speed. But, as you get older, you simply don’t grow beyond 5’9. You’re an absolute superstar, but you just don’t have the size. But godddamm can you skate.

So, you take up speed skating. You take to it like Donald Trump to a new grift. You train in special programs, and by the time you’re 16, it’s clear you’re going somewhere with this. Like, world class good. Your training goes into overdrive. You live at the rink, training, every single fucking day after school and for hours on weekends. You’ve absolutely mastered the sport.

Now you’re at the Olympics. You dominate through the preliminaries. You’re a gold medal favourite. And, that’s when the Gold medal race begins. You whip out to an incredible start, but there’s this one other competitor who’s keeping stride with you. The two of you are miles ahead of the pack and setting records on each lap. Pure dominance.

It’s the final stretch, and the two of you go all out in the last 400m. It’s neck and neck. One out in front, then the other, with barely even inches between the two of you. That’s when disaster hits. You get that VERY familiar feeling of “OH GOD, I need to take a shit RIGHT NOW”. You lose by 0.01 seconds. ONE ONE-HUNDRETH OF A SECOND. Why? Because for just a split second you thought about your colon over what was happening and lost that 1 inch lead you had.

Here’s the kicker. That was an all-time world record that was set. You’re literally the second best person in the whole fucking history of the entire damn world, and you’re literally 1/100th of a second away from being the absolutely best ever.

Imagine that. That’s gotta suck SO bad.

That’s why I always take a good poop before I do anything important. You never know when you’ll be in a gold medal speed skating race.

So, Tiger Woods got fucking drunk as shit, drove his car, flipped it, then called Donald Trump directly to ask him to get him out of the jam.

Not that he wasn’t already, but throw this man right into the fucking sun because he’s a certified piece of human trash.

Thomas Balgartner made jungle… woah.

Rich Old White Guy In A Suit : Hey you, get some wheels on this cross because it’s a bit heavy.

Producer : “Uhh.. OK Jim, roll on 3. The pyro is ready”

Head Grifter (Pastor) : “If you BELIEVE, if you’re a REAL god fearing Christian, you will pay tidings! We suggest the minimum offer at 10% of your household income”